We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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