woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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