My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
