I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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