Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
