My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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