before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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