I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
