I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I want a musical about memes.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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