guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
