eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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