My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
