i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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