You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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