you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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