Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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