Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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