i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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