ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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