i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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