we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
