i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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