Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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