i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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