Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
