You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pants are for mortals
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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