my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I love you. Go after that dick
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
