Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
