guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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