apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
