tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
