You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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