he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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