you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize