You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
