just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
