I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
