this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
