Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize