even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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