You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
