im about as happy as oj after his trial
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize