Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
