Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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