I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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