Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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