[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
