If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
