Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
