It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
