Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
