i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
