ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
