he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I believe in your delicious
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
