i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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