There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
