I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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