I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
