If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize