I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize