I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
