Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
