I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
