The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
