i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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