U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
