My entire life is one complicated drinking game
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
