I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
