I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
