The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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